I suppose I was bored and dumb enough to announce that to the universe. Whatever the reason, my headaches, after being exactly the same for over twenty-five years, decided to change in nature.
I have had all the tests necessary to tell me several things:
1. I don’t have an aneurysm, high blood pressure, a brain tumor, or an alien seed pod silently waiting to kill me. (So the good news is that this won’t kill me! Yay!)
2. Medical science has no idea why my migraines would suddenly change in nature. The official word from the leading headache clinic in the country was “Sometimes that happens.” (Yep. Still a practice.)
3. All those doctors who told me my migraines would stop after menopause were either bald face lying, drunk, or attempting to use anecdotal evidence to provide their suffering patients with desperate kernels of hope because they simply couldn’t stand to look them in the eye and tell them they would live like this forever. (I would like to think the latter, as it indicates an inherent kindness and gentleness of spirit instead of malpractice.)
Now I not only get my usual headaches, but I also get randomly punched in one side of my face several times throughout the day by an invisible boxer. (If this continues and I get better at ignoring it maybe I have a chance at being a contender!)
But wait, there is good news! After several massages from people and one hell of a massage chair it would seem that the punching sensation on the left side of my face is somehow connected to my right shoulder blade. (Don’t ask me how, my doctors don’t even know how.)
So I have a plan. I will somehow convince my insurance company that it will be cheaper and more effective for them to buy me a $3500.00 massage chair than it will to keep filling $1800.00 prescriptions each month for medications that really aren’t all that effective.
Then I can sit in the massage chair several times a day and see if being beaten about by a robotic shiatsu master can cure what ails me. Massage chair for the win!
Of course, my plan hinges on somehow making an insurance company see the reasonableness of spending $3500.00 on a preventative treatment as opposed to tens of thousands of dollars on abortive medications that don’t work.
What are the odds?